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February 2009
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Strong black men rapping about (home)birth and fatherhood? Count me stoked.

JOY :: Talib Kweli ft. Mos Def



Things I have been hashing out in my head lately:

Can I tell you what happened, how we decided to get married?  No, I cannot.  I don't honestly know.  I remember jumping in head first, and we weren't even pregnant (I wouldn't miss my period for another week).  I remember David taking a half day at work so we could drive to a courthouse on the east side (picked I think because they did marriages on Friday afternoons) and seal the deal, and I remember freaking out in the parking lot because he 'forgot' the license.  And then I remember the chairs stacked and American flags and bits of a minutes-long ceremony and our $10 rings.  And then some guy took Polaroids of us, and we look pretty smitten.

Why did I get married?  I know that both of us wanted to be married and wanted to have families, and we had talked about it.  Having sex in the backseat of a rental car, he asked me to marry him and I said yes.  I don't know why we rushed in so quickly.  It may have been me, I tend to feel the need to do it all NOW.  It may have been David.  I don't know, and at this point in my life it's no longer relevant.

Anyone who has been around for the past year and a half or so knows how low our marriage sunk, how down and hard it was.  We've both been split open and our insides have oozed out all over this place in a giant heaping mess.  And we are still together, and I don't regret it any longer.  I can't.  I love the man that I am with, and I know what I have had to give up and deal with and be with to get here, where I am.   The thing is - it's not the marriage that matters.  It's not some piece of paper.  It's the choice.  I make the choice daily to be with David, and I continually still choose him, and it's coming to that realization that has gotten me to the place I am in my relationship at this moment - which is a far cry from where it was even months ago. 

If I could do it again, if I got take the knowledge that I have now and give it to my 20-year-old self, I wouldn't choose marriage.  I would choose David, but not marriage - at least in the legal sense.  There is the civil rights issue of gays and marriage, of course.  I wouldn't participate in a practice that actively discriminates against the gay population by not offering them equal benefits of marriage.  If marriage is a union of man and woman under God, then it should not be part of the State, but a union in your own Church however your particular beliefs define it.  If the State is involved (as it currently is), then equal rights to marriage should be available to all.

More significant to me, however, is the strength of the choice to be with somebody.  If I am legally bound to somebody, this does not represent continually active choice.   Having the option to leave of your own free will and still choosing to stay and be committed to an individual carries much more weight.  I do think that long-term relationships can be very much mutually beneficial, and the commitment involved requires a large amount of discipline and love that strengthens your own self, your partner's self and your relationship.  And I will continue to make the choice to do work in our relationship for the long haul.

There are some practical issues with the marriage choice (or, more specifically, choosing not to have a legally recognized commitment).  Notably, rights to survivorship, health insurance, hospital rights, etc.  I don't have any practical solutions for the matter, nor do I think that any drastic changes in the system or other peoples' choices will happen anytime soon.  I do believe, however, that if these benefits are offered to legally committed heterosexual couples, then, of course, there should be an option for homosexual couples to be legally committed and offered the same rights.

I've been thinking a lot lately about teaching my children about love, when the time comes.  I've come to terms with the fact that loving somebody has nothing to do with being 'in love' with somebody.  Of course, sometimes those feelings exist - it's a hormonal reaction.  Being 'in love' is a drug-like hormonal state, evolutionary trickery, designed to get us all linked up and knocked up.  I can't save the girls from the hurt they will inevitably feel, but I hope at least I can prepare them some.  How it feels to fall in love with somebody, and how high you get, but then you come down.  And coming down hurts.  And loving someone for the long haul isn't a feeling - it's a choice, and a very powerful choice.  Being 'in love' can be an addiction; choosing to love requires discipline and is infinitely more rewarding. 

I no longer believe in weddings because I feel that the focus is misguided, and the commitment is a private choice, and it needs to happen daily.  Of course, I had two weddings, so I don't have much room to talk.  The first wedding could have easily been a private, personal event between David and I for each other, and we could have left the judge and paper out of it.  The second wedding was fun and an excuse for a party - and we spent only $400 total on it - but I felt uncomfortable with the public display of my private feelings for David.  I also recognize that a public spectacle of commitment is not something I feel comfortable with, yet I'm writing about it here - and that doesn't make sense.  I don't claim to have any answers.

Perhaps, we should celebrate other events with the same granduer - and weddings should be more private.  If a wedding is something that a couple VALUES, then by all means, have the wedding that makes sense to them.   But it should not be an obligatory ritual, and I will teach my children how slightly it compares to the discipline/commitment of a long term relationship.  And I will have their 'wedding' money (hopefully) and they can choose a life event that they find worthy of it - whether that is completing college / grad school, or being committed to somebody, or having a baby, or buying a house, or ...

is twitter annoying? are any of my IRL friends on it?

If anybody wants/is able to send donations for philly's surgery, paypal/e-mail molly at molly@sixgunlover.com. Shit's gonna be expensive.

I'm dog-sitting molly's dogs right now. Normally, all this means is that I drop by every day and feed them. This is not a big deal. Then it stormed three days ago and Tuesday (the older dog) escaped, and her neighbors started calling, but being that molly is in colorado, I went to check out the situation. I couldn't figure out how tuesday got out of the yard, so, as not to risk another escape, I did the only thing I could think of... brought the dogs to my house for safe keeping.

Two days ago, David noticed that Tuesday had a big old gash on her belly. It's pretty gnarly looking, but I think she'll be okay without stitches. I thought about cleaning it up and bandaging it, or even supergluing the skin together, but don't have one of those space collars for her so I figure it will have to get better on it's own.

Yesterday I looked out the window and saw tuesday standing in the carport. The dogs must've gotten out of the yard when the kids went back there and they didn't notice. or they escaped. I wrangled tuesday back into the yard, but noticed philly was missing. I called him but he didn't come. I told David to keep an eye out for him since he was on his way home. It turns out that he got hit by a car and David found him (alive) lying on the side of the road down the street. I took him to the vet and then the emergency clinic. He seemed to be okay, but not able to use his back legs and in pain. They did x-rays and found that he was going to make it, but his pelvis was broken and required surgery. so far the estimate is at least $1500...

I may go down in history as the worst dog-watcher ever. or the person with the worst luck ever.

If dogs can do it, so can we
let's start a troop. I'm serious

Although this year I would like to pretend that my birthday does not exist, it has become evident that my lovely friends will not let me do so.  Due to some questions concerning gifts, I would like to state that I do not in any way expect (or necessarily condone) birthday gifts, but if you would like to get me something, especially in light of the recent employment development, perhaps some new scrubs would be a nice gift.  And/or help hemming them.


edit: my birthday is next Friday, 10/5.

You see the word "PROM" and automatically think "premature rupture of membranes"

We are going to California.

I opened up what I thought was a giant squash in my Greenling Local Box, and lo and behold, it was a watermelon.

Life is good.

xoxo, rmd.

We're supposed to leave next week for our big ol' adventure.  I'm a little shocked that it is coming up.  I've got to get my shit together to get everything ready for the Big Trip.  I'm strangely anal about packing.  Who has camping gear that they want to let us borrow?  We've got some, but could use some stuff that I'd rather not purchase due to the state of our funds at the moment.  Oh, what the Hell, we're living in the imaginary world of credit card land right now....

In other news, I want one of those Nikon cameras from the ads for myself.  I have millions of ways to justify it (birth photography, anyone?).  I'm sick of lag time and shutter speed and incorrect lighting, and I want to take lots of pretty pictures of things.

Must put the rugrats to sleep.  I love them.  xoxo, rmd.

Motherfuckers.

I know it's that time of year and all, but can kittens please stop walking into my life?  For shit's sake.  It's never been like this before.  It's a friggin' lollercatster around here.  They're running in front of my car, under SUVs, being born under my shed....  It's like they sense the vegan in me and are begging to be rescued.

We currently have two kittens at our house.  I found the owners for that other cat (we called him Charles for the interm but the owners had named him Demon).  Rancor (Canker, Rain-Corn, or Rainy) is a bit older (12w?) and a little fiesty, but settles right into my lap and starts purring.  Sara is sweet and runty and orange.  Sara I think has the possibility of living with Alyx and ChiChi, Rancor- I don't know yet.  I'm doubting if I'm going to be able to rescue Alondo, Ben White and Jesus Kitty because I think the Orange Kitty moved them; I'm still going to try and capture the neighborhood ferals to get them fixed.

mr_markos
 works at a rescue where they take in kittens for $20, but at the rate this kitten stuff is going $20 a pop is getting up there especially for something I only reluctantly feel morally and ethically obligated to do. 

Let this be a PSA: Spay/Neuter your pets.  Hell, Spay/Neuter other people's pets.  Spay/Neuter your own d.g. self.  I don't care.  Just don't let those MFers breed, because then their babies will just find another unsuspecting vegan to leech of off.   Bitches!

(I'm pretty sure) is the one that matters the most.  The one that gave me sperm to make babies with and now, despite my persistent protest, is at the laundromat doing laundry on Father's Day.  Happy Daddy Day, dude.

(The girls' school didn't make Father's Day knicknacks like they did for Mom's Day because [I'm speculating] not enough of the kids have active fathers in their lives.  So, I'm lucky)

Last night I almost ran over a kitten.  When these things happen, I usually stop to see if I can get the animal, and they usually run away.  This cat was totally sweet, so, against my better judgement, I brought him in.  Earlier I knocked on doors until I found the owner- luckily it didn't take very long.  I hope they keep him inside now.  They had named that sweet kitty Demon!

We have to find homes for the feral kitties outside, and trap the Orange Kitty (the mom).  I feel bad taking the kittens away from OK, etc., but they really need to all be taken care of, and the longer that I wait, the worse it could be to find them homes.  Our 'hood is filled with feral kitties.  The mom needs to get spayed - and there are at least a couple male kitties around with visible balls.  If you want kittens, let us know.

The kitties' names are (per the children):
Sarah (the runty orange one)
Alondo (the orange and white one)
Ben White (the grey one)
Jesus Kitty (the bigger orange one)

The names above are no indication of the gender.

xoxo, rmd.

I'm gettin more growed up: I got a Doppler! An actual, real Doppler.  And business cards.  It's fancy...  except one of the midwives I work with had her prenatal bag stolen (~$1500 worth of equipment), and I lent her my stuff and felt useful.  I don't have that much, but I'm collecting things slowly and surely...  the Dop, fetoscope, stethoscope, BP cuff, various other little things....  I'm just glad I could help.

If I do the PEP process and not finish NCM, I could be eligible to sit for the NARM in February (or maybe next August).  That's pretty crazy.

Took the kids to the Y today.  It was fun.

I have a ton of studying to do tonight, but I'll probably get sidetracked. 

you are my sunshine.  xoxo, rmd.


nerdz

It's a good thing that mybloodyself is around, because it turns out that I was looking at the 2008 Summer schedule, not the 2007 summer schedule.  Well- classes start on Thursday- but that's still an extra couple of days, so that's good.

Last night Molly and I went to a stand-up comic open mic at Coldtowne Theater for our weekly Friday-Night hangout.  She wanted to see Spiderman 3 or maybe 28 Weeks Later, but those two movies firmly stand in the Movies I Will Not See category, and she knew it.  It was actually a lot of fun, and it was good to do something totally different and CHEAP - $5 and BYOB.  I'm out of the loop for parties and house shows, and even Emo's gets me spending too much money these days- just to get in the stinkin door.  That, and I have no idea what bands are out there anymore, and I know nobody.  Oh, woe is me! Eh, I'm getting off on a tangent and really it's not bad.  I have lots of friends that I like.

Molly told me a very funny story that happened last Easter:
Harriet:  Why do people do stuff on Easter?
Molly: Some people celebrate Easter because they think that Jesus died and then rose from the dead three days later.
Harriet:  Jesus was a zombie?

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah hilarious.

Oh yeah, and I got these glasses for David's cousin's wedding gift and they are the coolest.  I had to order them for myself.  They are so scientific!  And really, I tested them by putting boiling water in them for tea and could still hold them comfortably.  So, if anybody wants to get me a wedding gift for my wedding six years ago, I'm putting them on my registry.  or something.

I'm sorry.  I know this violates LJ ettiquette, but it is too cute to hide behind a cut.

I'm sure there will be plenty of awake pics, but right now you get a bunch of sleeping pics.  And a pic of Mildred the 'possum.
[I never thought I was a small dog kind of girl.  She is a lab/chihuahua/dachsund mix.  She has won me over.]

I love you.  Happiest birthday.  xoxo, rmd.

I was supposed to be stressed-busy with Midwifery school stuff today, meeting with midwives L & C and going over homeworks, but we all decided to take the day off.  I have plenty of things to do as the semester winds down at UT school, getting other things done, so I am glad to push this meeting back a little. 

Most of you aren't really 'into' birthin' and crap, but here are some links to a few spectacular feminist-y birthy women's healthy blogs anyway:

one tenacious baby mama (aka_imelda, you may be interested in this one)
sagefemme
abortionclinicdays


xoxo, rmd.

Mood: calmcalm

I learned today that on Thursday, when her class was learning about eggs, Eva told all of her friends that women have eggs inside of their ovaries and then the man puts his seed (I'm not exactly sure where she got the term 'seed' from) into the woman and the seed and the egg make the baby (we usually say fetus) in the uterus and then the baby comes out of the mom's vagina.  And then she told them about how she saw Lydian be born.  That's my girl.

At least she didn't tell them that Freddie Mercury died because he slept in a bed with too many people (she learned that from her dad.  I said a more accurate representation was neccessary, but how do you explain to a 4 year old how somebody gets AIDS?), or that the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus are not real.  Or the All About Periods lesson.  That'll come next week.

The Cohen New Works Festival is happening this week at UT.  I have to try and see at least two plays over this, and they are all free, so if you're into seeing plays and want to go with me, that would be great.

David is coming back today.  I miss his company.  Things have been going spectacularly well here though- the girls have hardly fought at all, and really have played together most of the weekend.  The TV has hardly been on.  I've kept up on the house (except for the office and bedrooms, but, you know), even washed the laundry and hung it out to dry (only to get rained on) and did an extensive kitchen clean and bug spray (shut up, I know about the chemicals, leave me alone!).  The girls and I have actually had fun.

Today we made vegan easter eggs to dye, mostly because we got an egg-dying kit from family in the mail.  I'm experimenting with the best way to make vegan easter eggs, and I'll post more about it later.  Easter is such a weird holiday, what, we're supposed to be celebrating Christ mythically rising from the tomb with a pastel-colored egg-laying rabbit? But, I do have fond memories of dying eggs as a child.  And the kits were an impetus.  So here we go.

Peace out! xoxo, rmd.

David left today to go to Florida for the weekend for his cousin's wedding.  I'm going to miss him, but I am kind of looking forward to the girl-time to be had by us ladies.  I think that David needs a break from the Vagina Squad anyways.  He's been stressed out.

Eva got into Austin Discovery School.  I'm excited...  Especially because my lazy ass had not figured out a Plan B in case she didn't get in.  I'm worried about the getting two kids to two different schools and getting me to school and what not, but I can't worry about it until the time comes.  The campus is really creepy- it's the old state school and it's got all of these boarded up windows and stray portable buildings and it's out in nowhere-land with snakes and wild boars- but it's got a great philosophy, and Molly, and Brook and what not, and the creepy campus location means that they get to take lots of hikes and do gardening and stuff.  That is awesome.

I saw Gregory Ellis Tiffin II today at Wheatsville.  He is living with his lady-friend and her kid and they're planning on getting married and having a baby.  Like what!  It's weird when you used to hang out with all of these folks and then you realize that you have become totally and completely out of the loop and really you miss all of these people that you don't see anymore and you miss the hot summer days and the shows and the house parties and the BBQs that you're not part of and stuff.  OK, the beginning of the hot days always makes me a bit nostalgic.  And also I've got my period.

unemployia informed me that somebody posted on mamaphonic, a site I don't check much anymore these days, about What Ever Happened To...  my zine.  It was nice to be remembered.  I miss those zine days too.  And touring.  I miss touring!

I'm tired.  Still recovering from the loss of sleep, but I'm feeling good. 
I love you! xoxo, rmd.

Does anyone know anything about blogspot?  There are blogs that I would like to read regularly over there, but can't figure out how to make a handy-dandy friends page like I have here on my LJ.  That would make things so convenient.

If anyone wants to see Obama today at 2, David and I are going out to eat before hand (12?) and then carpooling.  We'd love you to join.  RSVP here to get your tickets, then call me and tell me you want me to get you.
xx rmd.

I noticed that the picture for Fast Food Nation on my Netflix queue has been replaced by a Barbie Fairytales Magic Rainbow movie.  Hmmmm.

I missed "blogging for choice day" on the anniversary of Roe vs. Wade, but everybody should read this blog:
http://abortionclinicdays.blogs.com/

It's amazing.

So.  I am a hyper-planner of things too far in the future to plan.  So.  I am frantic about it.  So.  I do better when there are goals and plans.  So.  Sausage hates it when I do this.



I am totally slacking on the shit that I need to do.  Devon and Luke bought a new Subaru.  Amy got $177 of groceries and beer comp'd to her at Whole Foods.  Saus' and I might go on a date, thanks to either nidbit and j_style or chichi27 and ms_vesey.  I went to a show last night with Molly and saw many Friends of the Past.  I love you.  Good night.

xoxo, rmd.

Mood: gratefulgrateful

Hey, if anybody is in need of a Pap smear and annual exam (or wants to let me do one just for kicks), I'm your lady. I need 17 more for my midwifery program. Round up your friends! Let's have a Pap smear party! Only $35 a pop! I can even complete the entire well woman exam, and we can discuss family planning options. Sounds like hilarious fun to me...

It seems like I should probably do an update or something, talk about thanksgiving and what not, but frankly I just don't feel like it. I'd rather continue talking about vaginas and pap smears. But I'll stop myself.

CJ- I know you've probably seen this and the movie - but I thought I'd post because I thought of you.

There will be a photo exhibit about the situation in Jaurez, Chihuahua and the missing/murdered women November 1 & 2 in the West Mall on Campus.  They will also be showing a screening of "Señorita Extraviada, Missing Young Woman" on November 2 at 7:00 PM in Welch 2.246.  It is brought to you by Amenesty International, USA.  For more information, www.amnestyusa.org/juarez.

we miss you here.
xoxo, rmd.

I put a $2,900 credit card transaction on my (low interest) credit card for tuition to the National College of Midwifery.  I am officially a student of nursing AND midwifery.  Officially.  I feel a little nervous, but really excited. 

Yay!


**GIVE ME SUGGESTIONS!!!** please.

A nice wish list that probably needs adding to:

American Scientific Mind
American Family Physician
Bitch
Brain, Child
Bust
Compleat Mother
Dwell
Fertile Ground zine
Food Everyday
Herbivore
HipMama zine
kitty magik
Midwifery Today
Mothering
Organic Gardener
ReadyMade
RealSimple
The Nurse Practitioner: American Journal of Primary Health Care
Vegetarian Times
Venus

P.s.  My birthday is October 5th.... just in case you are aching to get me something, like a magazine subscription.

updated 9/6/06

Eva is currently watching the Devo video and Lydian is passed out in my bed.  Lunches are packed, Eva is ready to go to school, I have a few moments of free time.  I'm even dressed and ready to go.

OK.  Lydi woke up.  I'll write later.  xoxo, rmd.

95% of my posts now (anything with any sort of personal matter) are friends only.  If you wanna be my friend, leave a comment here (or something) and I will add you.  Or whatever.  You need to get a livejournal account for such things, but I swear it's free and you know you want to read about my boring life.  You know you do.

Photos of the kids and such are over on flickr, and they are updated regularly...

xoxo, rosa-maria.

I'm thinking about making a vegan ice cream book because, well, I'm obsessed~ and I hear that vice cream book is mostly cashew-butter based.  I can't stop thinking about ice cream flavors and variations and what-not and all of the fun things I could do....  and I think I've perfected the ice cream base.   Having the possibility of a real book would give this obsession actual purpose, and then I could go ahead and make that cardamom rose ice cream without a guilty conscience.

goregoregalore, do you still want to take pictures?

Is anybody out there well versed in the steps it takes to get a book published?  Do they want to be my manager?

This is a pipe dream, I know, but hey: bookfairlady does live in LA, and I hear that's the land of connections, and....  it could happen.  I swear.

xoxo, rmd.

Since nidbit has been so kind as to let me borrow her ice cream maker, I've posted the recipes I've tried on my myspace blog.  Not to be redundant, here are the links:

Base Ice Cream/Vanilla recipe and tips, instructions
Strawberry Fro' Yo'
Mint Chocolate Chip
JESUS LOVES ME chocolate-y peanut butter ice cream

enjoy!
xoxo, rmd.

I might try and do a school fundraiser for the kids' school with these cool lunchboxes.  They are like bento boxes with more practical containers, and plain, so appropriate for grown-ups.  I wish that all four of us in our family could have one! I talked to the lady there and she was really nice and might do a mix-n-match thing for a reduced cost.  It would hopefully get the kids to pack more nutritious lunches (it comes with a book of ideas) and also generate some revenue for the school.  You should think about it and then buy one from me if/when the time comes.

xoxo, rmd.

I want to get vegan marshmallows from either Pangea or Vegan Essentials for when we go camping, but the minimum shipping is $5.95.  It's one thing to pay close to four dollars for marshmallows, and another to pay ten.  Unfortunately, I don't think anywhere in town sells vegan 'mallows. Does anybody want anything from there and we can go in on it?  neesha, come on, I know you're down.  cassandra?  michael?  anybody? FYI: I particularly like the DEVA one-a-day vitamins from VE. 

xoxo, rmd.

I was on my way to the RVS campus to take the final exam for my nutrition class. The music was a randomly shuffled disc of mp3s, and they happened to settle upon dreamy, lulling selection: calla, iron & wine/calexico, american analog set, to name a few. This is rainy music and outside is hot and bright and slightly humid; last night's storm is lingerng in the air and in a few little puddles but otherwise is gone, just as quickly as it came. My head I guess was locked in autodrive, getting on 290 to 183 to the campus. Traffic. Sitting. Going. I looked around slowly and realized I did not recognize my surroundings. Where am I? What is going on?

I take the first right that I can take. I don't see any street signs. On my left, there are cows grazing in cow pastures, ponds, a lake. Ranch type buildings. On my right, a few houses, a trailer park pushed back off the road, nestled in trees, an old rustic church. I don't see any signs of my familiar city. I am the only car on the road. I keep going for two or three songs before I see a sign for a familiar road, FM 969, which I recognize as being what MLK turns into. Sure enough, as I approach, there is a sign indicating "Austin 7 miles" and then I get back on track to east east Austin and it feels like I'm in Mexico. A rooster is pecking away at the gravel beside the road. I get back on 183 to Montopolis to the RVS campus, take my final, and get on with my day.

I find it strange that I've lived in Austin for over five years (almost six) and I just stay here in my little bubble. Right outside the city limits is like a whole other world... good or bad. When I was a kid we'd take lots of little road trips, go camping or go up to the Russian River or what have you. I think it's high time that the kids and David and I start doing the same thing. Get out of Austin. Want to join us?

At least this little unexpected dreamy side trip afforded me a slight deviation from the monotony of studying and test-taking. Now on to standard deviations and what not for the stat final.

xoxo, rmd.

I have so much stuff to do that I think I'm going to take a nap. Expect a to-do list later in the day mapping out the grueling details of the remaining two-ish weeks of the semester.

xoxo rmd.

If I had every little mistake that I've made parenting broadcast to the world, I'd be dead by now. I have a feeling most other parents feel the same way.

Mood: lazylazy

There is something to be said for always wearing the same thing.
I want to pick out one thing for each item and just pick out a bunch of different colors.
Do you remember Garanimals clothes, or whatever they were called? It would be kind of like that.
One kind of jeans - several pairs. One kind of tee shirt - several colors. you get the picture.
No surprises.
I want to know exactly what I'm going to be wearing that day.
My closet would look so neat and orderly! Mornings would be so easy!
If we ever get money, that's what I'm going to do.

I'm so looking forward to the day where every morning I put on scrubs.
I'm all about the uniform.

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